Tales from Oscarville
[Roderick T. Long, 1972, age 8, San Diego]
Dedicated to all the people who enjoy my books of Oscarville
A Book of Tales of Oscar Ville
Other Oscarville Books
The Sword of Oscarville
The Birds of Oscarville
The Rubber Tiger of Oscarville
Tales of Oscarville
Chair of Contents
1. Hair Tonic in Oscarville
2. The California Glopper
3. The Funnyland Fire
4. Roamin Roman
5. The Impossible Monstre
6. The Ghost
7. Happy Birthday
8. The Battle of Spitsitoph
Frontispeice: Herbert Examineth the Egg (see chapter 2)
A Book of Tales from the Wonderful Land of Oscarville
Among these tales, are many stories of the Roltenes, the Giant Animals, like, for instance, the Glopper, a Giant Caterpillar, and there are giant Bats, Giant Butterflies, Giant Humming-birds, and things like that. Then, there are C-Serpents, like the one pictured below. Have Fun!
Story I: Hair Tonic in Oscarville
Prof. Doitallwrong and
Dr. Gotoofar Co.
This is the way it began: a snake charmer and a certain somebody went into partnership. The somebody, whose name was Dr. Gotoofar was talking with the snake charmer, whose name was Prof. Doitallwrong.
What shall we make?
Take em in water agreed Gotoofar.
But what kind of Pills? That was the problem.
They decided on Pills that made people calm and happy.
Of course, Gotoofars pills went too far, for Thomas B. Tuggle-turnkles house fell apart, an Earthquake came, and his house was lit on fire. But ol Tom just lay back in his chair, humming Mairzydoats.
Of course, Prof. Doitallwrong did it all wrong, because he put some ExpandyLotion in his. Emmediatly, of course, it Expanded, and there was a flood, and the Pills Expanded too, and Bumped into things.
So now it was hair tonic.
Dr. Gotoofar put a little on: and Emmediatly became a mass of hair. But on, on. Dr. Gotoofar wouldnt stop till the Earth and Moon were all hairy, and hairy clouds were Raining Hair Tonic.
Prof. Doitallwrong, the snake charmer, put some hair tonic on his beard, and, with a snake charmers horn, he Charmed his Beard. Johnny, Doitallwrongs young Friend, tried it but got all tangled. So both Dr. Gotoofar and Prof. Doitallwrong had failed.
Dr. Gotoofar and Prof. Doitallwrong sate themfelves down and looked at each other, and, though they spake nary a word, their eyes said Mouthwash as clear as clear can be.
Chap. 2. California Glopper
Lis-Hic!-en said Johnny to his Brother Herbert. Y-Hic!-ou must ne-Hic-ver Gohic nearahic Califor-Hic-nia Glopp-Hic-er or hic their egHicgs.
Hic? asked Herbert.
They had just been to
and Prof. Doitallwrongs
Lemonade and Soda
so they felt a bit Queer.
Now Johnny went home, and Herbert walked in the meadow when he came upon a Gloppers Egg, with a hole in it. Herbert peeked in side. Oops! he fell in, & when he came out he was a caterpillar.
Herbert had spun a cocoon. He jumped in. Bzzzzz! Times up!!!! He jumped out. He had Expected to be a boy, but instead he was now a Butterfly. (Gigantic) He flew around, and then suddenly he saw it. A Butterfly Net (Gigantic) was closing in on him. There was a crash, and some shouts, and the last thing Herbert remembered was some Cool Liquod running all over him, that felt and tasted just like some of Gotoofar and Doitallwrongs Lemonade and Soda Pop.
When Herbert woke, there was Johnny. Herbert was now a boy. What happened? asked Johnny.
Hic! replied Herbert.
Chap. 3. A Fire in Funny-land
Prince Oscar was good with his hands, and he made a tiny house, with a tiny door. He took a little comic strip for a fence. Suddenly, the House grew big. Or maybe Oscar grew small.
Inside he met:
and many others.
Bubbly told Oscar how whenever the Bell was wrung, (what Bell?) all the Funnies came for a party at the N.E.H. (National Emergency Hall) Then Mosaooe came, whipping animals Write and Left and rang. Oscar said There should be an S.P.C.A.! (Society [of] Prevention [of] Cruelty [to] Animals) But there was a mixxuppe, so there was a S.C.A and a S.P.A., (Society [of] Cruelty [to] Animals and Society [of] Prevention [of] Animals] Suddenly, the sun-rose, so they all went to bed.
Oscar saw that the Council Room was on fire, so he Rang a huge Bell nearby. The Funnies came Running. Of course, Oscar realized it was the Comic Strip for a fence that made all these cartoon carachatars, who cried out A Party! and ran into the Flaming Council House.
Suddenly, the whole house was Burnt. Out ran Oscar and looked at a small pile of ashes at his feet.
Oscar made another house, and when he was hungry, hed make the Fence of Bread Crusts. If he wanted furniture, in went the Doll house chairs. And in, of course, went Oscar.
Chap. 4: Roamin Roman Candles
The Wanderer from Rome (Roman Candles, hes called, or somtimes Roamin Candles, cos of his Reputation) went on a home (Stay-Homes Go on Trips Stay-Trips Go on Homes.) one day. But all the time he kept wishing he were back trip (you can talk about people wishing they were back home, and, I can talk about people wishing they were back trip.) Finally, he bought a large house in Oscarville. It was so big that every day he discovered something new in it, so he wandered and stayed at home at the same time.
5. The Impossible Monstre
[2010 note: this chapter consists of cartoons with captions. Here are just the captions, but the attentive reader will be able to extrapolate the cartoons therefrom.]
I give up!
[2010 note: the last line is uttered by the Stork.]
Chapter 6th is about:
If You Are Afraid Of Ghosts, Do Not Turn The Page!
[2010 note: The next page features a ghost saying:]
Im Going To Eat You
7. Happy Birth-Day
S. Carrie, yes, that was her name. Her Mother had wanted Sue and her Father had wanted Carrie so it was Sue Carrie but Sue Carrie wanted herself called Carrie or at the least, S. Carrie. One of Carries B. Presents was a Carpet, and Carrie pretended it was a Magic Carpet. She said: I wish for a Magic Adventure with Giant Birds, Vampires, Tigers, a friend, Swords, Dungeons, the whole works!
Suddenly, she felt Dread fully Dizzy. Then she found herself Hurtling Thru Space without the Carpet! She had forgotten to include the Carpet in the wish, so wherever she came out, she wouldnt be able to get home!
The Vampires came first. Carrie had landed on Somthing Prickly. Suddenly, some strang Green people with big Black helmets came up.
Whats your Name? he asked in a sharp, Rasping, voice. Sign here.
So, she signed:
Hmph! Scary, huh? We dont like anybody scarier than us! ThrowemintheDungeon! (Yes, Dungeons came next) Inshewent, so there Carey was, Put in a Dungeon Just Because her name was SueCarry!
She got Bread and Water for a long time, till finally they stopped feeding her all together. Carrie found a little Dog named Little Tim, thrown in the Dungeon because it was too scary it was scarier than the Vampires because it could scare cats, which is one thing Vampires can-not do.
[2010 note: one would think that being found by a girl whom the vampires had stopped feeding might bode ill for Little Tim, but apparently not.]
One day, when S. Carrie and Little Tim were playing together, they heard a creaking sound. Both heads turned, and there was the Door, open. Standing in the Doorway was a little ______
Chap. 8: The Battle of Spitsitoph
Once there was a certain kind of Bug called a Spitsian.
And another, called a Spotsian.
They had a fight.
But a bird flew down and pecked them all up.
Humpfle-Shumpfle. Whats that, Kwox? Time to write my Afterword? Oh, all right. A strange thing to wake me up in the Middle of the Night for, though. Eh? you said? Its 11 oclock A.M. and I ought to be up? O, very well. But its still a strange thing to wake me up in the Middle of the Night for. What? Im stubborn? Well, perhaps I am, at times. Now, let me see, what shall I write? Huh? Ive been putting our whole conversation down on Paper? I guess its a habit I got from you dictating to me so much? Take Care Never To Dictate To Me again! Your dictating! Oh, youre not? Youre just trying to speak? O.k., speak away! m? Erase it? I lost my Eraser. m? Cross it out? No! It would ruin my book to have a lot of Xs all over it. Ill just Ill just draw a line, like so,
and underneath Ill put my Afterward. Okay, here it goes
Aint it Bee-ooo-ti-ful? Now Ill ? Ive written below the line? Okay
Excuse me. Im Kwox, and I have just pulled him away. Now, he will write his Afterword.
The Original Version of This Book had a Very Long Title. It was:
a book of Magical Adventures, Taking Place in Oscarville, a Country Situated by the Impossible Sea.
Though the title was long, the book was not. It did not have: The California Glopper, Roamin Roman, The Impossible Monstre, The Ghost, and The Battle of Spitsitoph. That left
1. Hair Tonic
3. Happy Birthday Party
[2010: judging from the physical construction of the book, this claim about its original contents seems false.]
O, by, the, way, this is my Fourth Oscar of Oscarville Book and the last. The Door is Closed between that Happy land and ours. But not forever. Perhaps, som-day, someone shall find the key, and cross that Barrier. [2010: clearly inspired by the ending of Emerald City of Oz.]
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