The Great Idaho/Lunar War or Conflict

(from the “Please Don’t” Press)

by Roderick T. Long

[This gritty war story, an early foray into military sf, was written around age 11, or 1975-ish, in Idaho Falls.]

As everyone knows, Idaho and the Moon are separated by a great lake, called Southern Vista because there weren’t any fish in it.

Idaho and the Moon have been at war for one hundred and seven years, five months, three weeks, four days, nine hours, eight minutes, and seventeen seconds (these figures are taken from the Queen Sal census, which can be purchased anywhere).

The Moonlanders wore round helmets and pompoms on their knees, while the Idaholanders wore high band-hats and feathers in their ears, and by this you could tell them apart.

In the Year of the Great Fish, there was a terrible battle between the Moonlanders and the Idaholanders on the Southern Vista lake (the Moonlanders’ ships were shaped like mushrooms, and the Idaholanders’ like inverted vases, and by this you could tell them apart).

The main Moon general’s name was Aaugw, which is unpronounceable, and the Idaho general’s name was Lakufy, which was pronounceable, but just barely.

Aaugw and Lakufy met in battle on the Southern Vista lake. Aaugw hurled a Spanish dictionary at Lakufy, and Lakufy hurled the Louisiana Purchase at Aaugw. Both the Moonlander and the Idaholander armies became seasick, so they decided to continue the battle by plane.

The Moonlanders’ plane was shaped like a cigar with a propeller, while the Idaholanders’ plane was shaped like Prof. Herewith, and by this you could tell them apart.

The Idaho ship and the Moon ship immediately crashed into each other, and that was the end of that.

They decided to go in tanks around the lake. The Moon tanks and the Idaho tanks both looked alike, being exactly the same. There was so much confusion that everyone grossed. Aaugw and Lakufy decided to have a truce. They signed it ...

And here it is:

     the undersigned

     each other



Aaugw      Lakufy

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